I had all the feels when I found out I was pregnant with Twins. I was shocked, nervous, excited, elated. Secretly, I wanted twins, but the joke in the family was not for me to carry them but my wife. My first trimester was a struggle, I had double the hormones pumping through me, I couldn’t eat, sleep or move without feeling nauseous. The fatigue was out of this world, but I knew it was all worth it.

Trying to conceive is hard work; appointments, shots, stressing that your donor sperm will be lost in the mail. Getting to a positive pregnancy test is only half the battle, carrying to term and having a successful delivery is another.

My wife and I did IUI to conceive our first son and my wife carried. We did IUI again with me being the carrier this time. In a traditional heterosexual conception without fertility treatment, after a woman becomes pregnant, she gets an ultrasound around 10-12 weeks. Using fertility treatment, you get one as early as 6-7 weeks. After my 9 week ultrasound, my fertility doctor communicated that I had “graduated” to my regular OBGYN  and will transition care to them. Little did we know what was to come. I had one last appointment: neonatal high risk specialist for routine genetic testing. At that Ultrasound, we were made aware that Baby B no longer had a heartbeat. I have no words for how we felt.  Baby A was healthy but all I could think about at that moment was…what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? If I had conceived traditionally, would I have ever known about the twin pregnancy? Would I have shown up for my 12 week ultrasound with Baby B already absorbed and I would be living blissfully in ignorance? Would conceiving traditionally have saved our hearts from the heartbreak that we experienced?

I had never heard of “vanishing twin syndrome”. It can occur in up to 36% of twin pregnancies. Miscarriages can occur in up to 10-20% of singleton pregnancies. I knew so little about how often this tragedy can occur when trying to conceive. It’s understandable that those who have experienced this don’t talk about it but it’s time to share these stories.  I hope our story  can help heal, educate, and let others know you are not alone. Nothing can prepare you for the trauma of losing a child. Even if you have never actually met, held, or named your child, the loss is soul crushing. It’s okay to talk about it, it’s okay to let it out.

As I contemplated the arrival of our precious baby girl, a sense of incompleteness settled upon me. I held on to the words from a high risk specialist as she tried to console me.  She told me Baby B’s genetic material and essence will be absorbed by Baby A, help her grow and bring her to term. Although I have carried those words with me since the day I found out, my anxiety remained high throughout the pregnancy. The what-ifs tormented me relentlessly, but I tried to be gentle with myself, recognizing that such emotional turbulence was a normal part of the process. My wife and I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from pure joy to bereavement.  It was a strange and unfamiliar space, where opposing emotions coexisted within us simultaneously, a feeling that I had never encountered before.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone in this journey. There are many resources available to help you cope with anxiety and stress during pregnancy. Consider reaching out to a psychiatric nurse practitioner or therapist. They can provide you with coping strategies and support throughout your pregnancy and beyond.

It’s also important to take care of yourself during this time. Make sure to prioritize rest and relaxation, eat well, and stay active (within your doctor’s recommendations). Surround yourself with supportive loved ones who can offer a listening ear and a helping hand.

Remember that you are strong and capable, and that your baby is already loved beyond measure.